The fifth commandment is: Honour thy father and thy mother. (Exod 20:12)
The importance of the family is shown in that two of the Ten Commandments relate to the family. This fifth commandment governs the relationship between parents and children. And the seventh commandment against adultery governs the relationship between husbands and wives.
It is scripturally normal for most to be in a family relationship all their lives. Jesus said (Matt 19:5) that the word in the Old Testament is still relevant where it is written: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife. (Gen 2:24)
False cults undermine the importance of the natural family in pursuit of ‘Higher Spirituality’. They tell people they must leave their father and mother before they marry. But true spirituality does not ignore the natural world. Rather it governs interactions with it by the word of God. And if Christian husbands and wives are allowed to stay with their unbelieving spouses (1 Cor 7:12,13) Christian children can live with their unbelieving parents, although they are not compelled to do so when they are of age, especially if parents make it difficult for the children to practise their religion.
There are times, however, to neglect our natural family, to focus on God. Did not Jesus, at the age of twelve, tarry in Jerusalem three days, while his parents sought him sorrowing. When they found him, He said: wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business? (Luke 2:49) He had been attending to His heavenly Father’s business by: sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions. (Luke 2:46)
The error of the false cults is that they teach that the time to neglect parents is always. But just as Jesus returned to Nazareth with His parents, so God gives us time to be with our natural family. And Jesus, at the age of twelve, would have been intellectually superior to others at the age of twenty. Were they not: astonished at his understanding. (Luke 2:47)
Of course, if there is a reason to leave home, such as to preach the gospel in distant lands, you must leave. But joining a religious sect does not correspond to this. The apostle Paul, though not married, had left home and he served the Lord. And when the Lord calls, you must not linger. Jesus said to a man: Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God. (Luke 9:59,60)
The Lord sometimes calls at a very inconvenient time, and at such times the disciple must hate: his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also. (Luke 14:46) But at other times the disciple must not neglect his duty of care to his parents. This duty is not cancelled at all. And Jesus called them hypocrites (Mark 7:6) who thought it was.
He said: Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother . . . But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother; making the word of God of none effect through your tradition. (Mark 7:9-13) The Pharisees were claiming that it was legal to give to God all the service that one should perform for his parents.
The commandment to honour father and mother is universal and makes no reference as to whether they are Christian.
We are commanded to honour our parents and this goes beyond obedience. To honour is to hold in high esteem, in a position of importance and reverence.
This commandment is stated in the positive light, as opposed to the other commandments, which are mostly stated in the negative, as to actions which should not be done. With the other nine commandments, the spirit of the command goes beyond the letter. With this commandment the spirit is the letter of the command.
Although honouring parents will teach us to honour others in authority, the honour attached to our parents is unique and should not be transfered to any other man or woman. None other than God Himself can make such a claim on us. Jesus said: call no man your father upon earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. (Matt 23:9)
In eternity we will not have an earthly father, but only God, our heavenly Father. And in this life, as we age, the authority of our earthly parents is gradually replaced by that of God Himself. But we still continue to honour our earthly parents, whose role was modelled upon the eternal role of God the Father toward us, and whose role was to prepare us for God’s eternal fatherhood.
Jesus learned from His heavenly Father, saying: The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise. For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth. (John 5:19,20)
The heavenly Father is the originator of all wisdom. He is called: the Ancient of days, with the hair of his head like the pure wool, (Dan 7:9) with white hair symbolising the wisdom of age. He taught that ancient wisdom to His Son, whose: hairs were white like wool (Rev 1:14) also.
And all our wisdom derives from the Father and the Son. But God has chosen not to teach us all things directly. Instead He has given the honour of imparting much of that wisdom to our parents. They taught us, for example, not to steal. But they learned this from their parents, who learned this originally from Adam, who learned this from God.
As our subjection to our heavenly Father was discussed with the first commandment, I will continue by discussing the subjection of a child to his natural parents.
When children are young they are commanded: obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. (Col 3:20) The word for ‘obey’ means to listen under, indicating a willing and attentive obedience, rather than a grudging obedience. Even Jesus: was subject unto His parents. (Luke 2:51)
Every child other than Jesus sometimes does wrong. It is the duty of parents to correct, and sometimes to punish wrong behaviour. The modern theory of rewards only for good behaviour is not biblical. In life there are times when we face difficulties. Children who are accustomed only to rewards may not have the moral strength to show self-discipline and make hard decisions in later life.
Solomon, according to the wisdom of God writes: Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. (Prov 23:13) The purpose of discipline is not so much to prevent sin, as only the Holy Spirit can perfect. It is rather to give children a respect for authority, and to instill obedience. A good quality in a man is that he: ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity. (1 Tim 3:4) If a child is obedient and well taught, they will overcome much evil. Children should not be disciplined with the cane by their parents from the time when they approach their teenage years, and beyond. This is because when they are young a spanking, with the hand or a little stick, results in a few tears and is soon forgotten. But this does not work when the child is older, because the child is too strong. To have an effect, the discipline would need to be increased, and this is not good because it is hurting the child, and it results in fear of parents, which is unhealthy.
Children should not be expected to be perfect. If children could always remember all instruction and resist all temptation, they would not need parents to shepherd and guide them. There is therefore a time for parents to remind, or to speak strongly to their children. However there is also a time to punish when they are too disobedient. They should not always be punished with spanking. If a child is spoiling the game for the other children, they can be taken away from that game. If they misbehave in a restaurant, they could be told, no more meals out for a while. If they break a window, they could have their pocket money stopped for a while. In this they can learn from the natural consequences of foolish activity, if their parents are unable to prevent it.
Some parents are overly critical and harsh to their children. But this is counterproductive according to Paul who says: Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. (Col 3:21) A child should not be afraid of his parents. Instead parents are to bring up their children: in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)
Thus children should be taught to do what is right in the sight of God, rather than man. And so they must learn to obey their conscience.
Children should be taught, not only to fit into society, but also to keep the ways of God. Solomon says: Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Prov 22:6) And if this is the case: The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice. (Prov 23:4)
God said of Abraham: I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgement. (Gen 18:19)
Christianity is an active religion. Parents should not only correct errors in their children’s behaviour. They should also seek to teach their children the glory of the word of God and His mighty works. Regarding the Passover, Moses told the Israelites: when your children shall say unto you, What mean ye by this service? That ye shall say, It is the sacrifice of the Lord’s passover, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt, when he smote the Egyptians, and delivered our houses. (Exod 12:26,27) Stories of the creation and the flood should also be taught to children.
Moses said: these words which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. (Deut 6:6,7) This is part of what it means to: love the Lord thy God with all thine heart. (Deut 6:5) This does not mean constant speaking of the word of God to the exclusion of normal conversation. But it does mean frequent teaching of the word.
Many parents have a daily bible reading and prayer with their children at a set time every day, and this results in greater love in the family. As children grow older such teaching should be varied.
There should be instruction as to the ways of the Lord. God works with such teaching to guide your son in later years. Solomon writes: My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thine heart . . . When thou goest, it shall lead thee, when thou sleepest, it shall keep thee; and when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee. For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is a light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman. (Prov 6:20-24) Teaching the story of Samson and Delilah may be a good way to impart thy son with such an understanding.
My belief is that normally, the bible teaching should be designed to impart faith, rather than to condemn. Too much condemnation may discourage a child, just as does too much discipline.
It may be that parents need to broaden their understanding of the word of God that they may teach the mighty works of God in a faith imparting way. Alternatively, buy some Christian books specially designed to teach children faith.
When to begin teaching the word of God? Isaiah says: Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts. (Isaiah 28:9)
For the very young, patience is required in teaching, as they cannot absorb very much at one time. A picture must be built up gradually. God says: precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little. (Isaiah 28:10)
And then the word is fulfilled which Jesus spake when He said: Have ye never read, Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise? (Matt 21:16) Jesus said: I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. (Matt 11:25) This must be by the power of the Holy Spirit.
For this cause it is important that Jesus blesses the child, just as they brought the children to Jesus, when He was on earth. If parents have family prayers in the presence of their infant, even if the infant is unable to understand, he may still be influenced by the power of the Holy Spirit. Did not Jesus say: where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them. (Matt 18:20)
With the help of the Holy Spirit, I do not know what simple doctrine can be taught to a young child. But some doctrine should not be, the doctrine of hell for example. To a young child, parents are in the place of God. To a young child the thought of mummy or daddy being cross with them is sufficient disincentive to evil.
As a child grows older, he gains more independence. He may then realise that some of his parent’s commandments are wrong. This will happen more typically if the child becomes a Christian while his parents are not. What then should the child do? is a difficult question.
If the child is younger, he should request that he not be required to do what he believes to be wrong. But if his parents insist and the matter is not too serious, he should obey his parents. But if the child is older and the matter is serious, he should disregard his parents wishes. If at all possible he should say: We ought to obey God rather than men. (Acts 5:29)
Such a serious matter is marriage that if one’s parents wish their Christian son or daughter to marry a unsuitable partner they must refuse.
It is not only under the New Covenant that we see people disregarding natural relationships at specific times for specific purposes. The Levites were rewarded, by being promoted to the rank of teaching God’s laws, for putting God before family. The Levites: said unto his father and to his mother, I have not seen him; neither did he acknowledge his brethren, nor knew his own children, for they have observed thy word, and kept thy covenant. (Deut 33:9) Although the specific type of obedience of the Levites is no longer relevant under the New Covenant, (the role of judgement being replaced by that of teaching,) the principal is, that although we normally honour our parents, there are times when we must honour God above our parents.
When we were young our parents cared for us. When they are old it is our duty to care for them. This duty should not pass to church or state, except for those with no children. Paul writes: if any widow have children or nephews, let them first learn to show piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God . . . But if any provide not for his own and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. (1 Tim 5:4,8)
Unfortunately, in modern times, the state has the tendency to intrude its ugly tentacles into every aspect of life. Instead of the children caring for their elderly parents, the children pay taxes to the state, and the states financially looks after their parents. This destroys family relationships as well as generating tremendous inefficiencies. The State is an ugly monster and the more it is fed the fatter it becomes.
State funding of the elderly tends to promote communal living in old people’s homes. But I think that family living with one’s children is more God’s plan for those who are too old to cope. A granny flat would seem to be the ideal solution.
Jesus cared for His mother, and when He could no longer care Himself, He appointed the apostle John to care for her. On the cross: When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son! Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home. (John 19:26,27)
Parents have emotional needs whether they are middle aged or elderly, saved or unsaved. It is the duty of the child of God to cater to these by regularly visiting their parents, even when they are independent. No parent says of their children, ‘I won’t talk sociably to my young children because they are not saved.’ Neither should a child say this of their parents.
But as parents age, their need for the companionship of their children increases, just as when children are young, their need of the companionship of their parents is greater. Elderly parents may need their children to take them out, to the forest for a picnic for example.
Parents also have spiritual needs, to which the child of God should seek, if possible, to minister. But it is not the role of children to rebuke their parents with the word of God. They are to be treated with honour and gentleness. This also means not to continually speak the word of God if they do not wish.
There is a promise attached to those who keep this fifth commandment, which is: that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee. (Deut 5:16)
There seems to be too casual an attitude towards keeping the commandments. Many think they are saved and that because of this all will go well with them, even if they don’t keep the commandments. But Paul was writing to those who called themselves Christians, when he said: For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep. (1 Cor 11:30) Those that slept refer to those that had died, not to lose their salvation, but perhaps their reward.
The reason for this judgement seems to be a divisive attitude to the Lord’s Table, where some gorged themselves and others missed out. They did not discern the unity of the Lord’s body, the church. (1 Cor 11:18,21) I believe that dishonouring of parents is similarly serious.
Some say that the promise attached to the fifth commandment was not to individuals, but to the nation of Israel. But while it cannot be denied that collective disobedience sometimes brings collective punishment, the New Testament makes clear that the promise is essentially to individuals. Paul says: Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the earth. (Eph 6:2,3)
In the same way, although to a lesser degree than that by which we honour our parents, we are to honour age in general.
To the very aged we are to show respect: Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man. (Lev 19:32) Not to do so is to oppose God’s plan of mercy to the elderly, as attached to this command are God’s solemn words: Thou shalt . . . fear thy God: I am the Lord.
God says: The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness. (Prov 16:31) It crowns the righteous deeds of their past. And even when imperfect, not even a servant of God is to: rebuke . . . an elder (old man) but they are to: intreat him as a father. (1 Tim 5:1)
Perhaps not referring to the very aged who have lost some of their discernment, as good Barzilai who said: I am this day fourscore years old: and can I discern between good and evil? (2 Sam 19:35) but to those a little younger Peter writes: ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder . . . and be clothed with humility. (1 Pet 5:5)
It takes time and experience (Heb 5:14) to acquire wisdom and this is why, generally speaking, older men have more wisdom than younger men. King Rehoboam did not understand this. When the old men advised him to speak kindly to the people: the king answered the people roughly, and forsook the old men’s counsel that they gave him; and spake to them after the counsel of the young men. (1 Kings 12:13,14) The result of this was that ten tribes rebelled against him, and he lost most of his kingdom.
Even Jesus, at the age of twelve, learned from those older than Himself when He tarried in the temple hearing the doctors and asking them questions.
But even though: increased years should teach wisdom . . . The abundant in years may not be wise. (Job 32:7,9 NASB) This is due to disobedience to God. A psalmist said: I understand more than the aged, because I have observed Your precepts. (Psalm 119:100 NASB)
The nation of Israel alternated between following the Lord and departing from Him. We should not assume that new ways are better than old ways because the world now has more knowledge. It could be that it is as God explained when He said: my people hath forgotten me . . . they have caused them to stumble in their ways from the ancient paths, to walk in paths, in a way not cast up. (Jer 18:15)
The remedy: saith the Lord, is to ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. (Jer 6:16)